I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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