We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
