I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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