yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
