If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
