I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
