I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
