Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
