Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
