how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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