I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
