wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
