How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
