Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
