My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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