Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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