Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Let's get the cat blown out
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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