you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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