I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
