i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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