She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
