I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize