Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
