Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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