I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
