Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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