Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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