I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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