apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Boobs speak an international language.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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