The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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