During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
