I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
