I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Randomize
