Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
