More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
