rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
