Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
