she woke up with a sticky ear
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
