I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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