I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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