I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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