I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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