I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
