ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
