They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
