I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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