im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
