Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
