have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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