ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
