She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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