i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
