Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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