I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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