he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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