brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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