Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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