My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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