I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
