I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
