I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
